When many of us think about our fathers and the roles they played in our early life, we often think of them as providers, as disciplinarians, and perhaps as wise men. But according to recent studies on fatherhood, the relationship people have with their father extends far beyond the stereotypical man who provides financial support, sets rules of conduct, and doles out lofty advice. Research shows that fathers in fact offer many other kinds of social and emotional support that’s critical to the quality of bonds children form later in life.
Father’s Day is a good time to be reminded that there’s a young person in your life who needs and wants your influence. Here are four ways to be more influential in your child’s life and strengthen your bond, without costing you a dime.
Make a special date — just the two of you.
Regardless of your child’s age, ask your son or daughter out to dinner or lunch, just the two of you. Or better yet, tell them you’ve set aside a special time for the two of you, and ask your child to select the activity. If you give them the responsibility of making the decision, it’s often best. It’s also preferable to have an experience together that’s fresh and out of the ordinary.
Schedule a few moments of togetherness every day.
If you live with your child, the easiest way to converge at least once a day is to have dinner together. If dinner is too difficult because of your work or their after-school activity schedules, make it breakfast or bedtime. Reading a story before bed together or driving them to school is another easy way to make regular father-child time. If you live apart, you can call or Skype them before bed. I knew one father who called his son every night and told him wild and exotic stories about growing up in Ghana. Even though they lived in different states, the father and son remained very close. The idea is to spend at least 5-10 minutes every day, and to “check in” with them. Start a tradition of discussing the best/funniest/strangest/most interesting thing that happened that day.
Make sure they feel valued and noticed.
Guess what? Children don’t care so much about what you do with them. They just want to feel loved and noticed and valued. I’ve had female clients complain that they go to countless Little League games and band concerts to support their kids, with little thanks. But when Dad’s on the bleachers or in the audience, their kids are beside themselves with excitement. As a psychologist and a mother, I’ve observed that children especially crave affective affirmation from their fathers. “Affective affirmation” is defined as small gestures, words, or actions that convey the message that you support, value, notice, and care about the other person. Some simple ways to do this: Send them a “hello” text in the middle of the day. Tuck a note into their lunchbox. Hug them. Sit down and watch “their” TV show. Pick them up from school and drive them home once or twice a week/month. Small gestures are as good as big ones.
Model and discuss healthy relationship behaviors.
Your child learns about relationships from watching you and incorporating your behaviors. Most of the time, what you do in response to stressful personal situations or how you treat others is more important than what you say. Do you fight fairly? Are you a good listener? Do you have an open mind, or are you instantly judgmental? Are you able to talk about your feelings in a way that isn’t explosive or hurtful? How do you treat the waiter/waitress at the restaurant? Studies show that the way you behave and communicate with others has a profound influence on adult children’s relationship styles. In addition, talk to your children about good healthy relationships, love and trust. Use the plot or events in an age-appropriate television show or movie to start the discussions. By asking questions, your child is less likely to get defensive.
Here’s hoping that you can enjoy your children to the max while they’re young and when they’re adults, and that you’ll continue to be one of the most positive influences in their life. And to all the fathers out there, I wish you a special and happy Father’s Day.
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Dr. Terri Orbuch (aka The Love Doctor®) is a relationship expert for OurTime.com, as well as a professor, therapist, research scientist, and author of 5 best-selling books, including “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship,” available on amazon.com. Learn more about her at: DrTerriTheLoveDoctor.com.